When my wife told me she was pregnant, I got that stomach-churning sensation that hits you on a plunging roller coaster. I was excited, yes, but... oh my God. Parenting was for, well, parents.
So here I stand, bug-eyed and sweating buckets like some poorly-drawn cartoon character, the question marks floating in the air around my head while I try to prepare myself for the complete care and responsibility of another living being besides my cat. I'm responsible for making sure this little human doesn't grow up and turn into a complete monster. If the child turns out a social moron-- my fault. If the babe can't find Luxembourg on the map, blame me for not providing a better education. They'll need therapy, and of course that will be on my head too. So many opportunities for wrong turns!
I remember the day my father sat me down and awkwardly told me about the birds and the bees; it was perhaps the most excruciating and embarrassing half hour of both our lives. I can't do that to another human being.
Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. I can do this, I say; I'll be a great father. My child will be reared a well-rounded, educated, upstanding citizen of the world, and he or she won't hate me.
And then I imagine the baby, still safe within the confines of my wife's belly, suddenly opening an alarmed eye as the thought enters his or her mind: "What if my dad just can't hack it? | 妻子告诉我她怀孕时,我只觉得胃里翻江倒海,就像是坐在过山车上一头扎下去。我很兴奋,没错,但是,上帝啊。为人父母,那可是父母的事儿。
所以我目瞪口呆地站在这儿,汗出如雨,看上去像个画得极其拙劣的卡通人物。我尽力想让自己做好准备,承担起照顾除了我的猫咪外另一个活物的全部责任,然而满脑子里都是问号在打转。我有责任保证这个小人儿长大后不会变成个不折不扣的魔鬼。如果这个孩子长成不通世故的白痴,那是我的错。如果这个宝宝不能在地图上找到卢森堡,怪我没有给他提供更好的教育。孩子会需要治疗,这当然也得由我来操心。太多误入歧途的可能了!
我还记得那天,我父亲让我坐好,别别扭扭地给我讲解有关“那方面”的事。那也许是我和他一辈子最为尴尬最为痛苦的半个小时。我可不能对另外一个人也这么做。
也许我担心得太早了点。我做得到,我说。我会成为一位好父亲。我会将我的孩子培养成为一个全面发展,受过良好教育,诚实正直的世界公民。而且,他或者是她还不会恨我。
然后我开始想象,那个安安稳稳呆在我妻子肚子里的宝宝忽然惊觉地睁开一只眼,因为他或者她猛然想到“要是我老爹应付不来,那可怎么办?”
|